If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
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If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
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Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?