Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
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“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Super Hand Dog Face
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.