@nolifecoach: If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!
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@imadepoopstoday: [job interview] "We feel that you just aren't quite mature enough for the position." It's the Velcro shoes, isn't it. "...yes."
@PaperWash: bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE! [everyone freezes] bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this'll be the best mannequin challenge yet
@McSwtrvst: *genie appears* I wish I was rich! GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH ok!—wait what? FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
@Xoolun: When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.