@ObscureGent: If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I'm gonna call for help is a plumber.
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@michaelianblack: "The ankle so important to a basketball player." Something the announcer just said.
@Abusitron: Me: why do bad things happen to good people? God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles* Me: oh God: *nods solemnly*
@Harpers_Halo: When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
@Sickayduh: My dog ate a bunch of Scrabble tiles and now I gotta follow him around the yard because it's his turn