@ObscureGent: If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I'm gonna call for help is a plumber.
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@Stellacopter: When I'm out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying "Don't make eye contact with daddy."
@trevso_electric: "Smells fresh. Like a tropical island." "Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family's been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!"
@moose_chocolate: Some might say I peed my pants. I like to say I voided my bladder into my trousers like the classy refined gentleman that I am. #bt140