If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
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I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
*skinny dips into black hole
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart