If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
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[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password