My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
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If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
lmao
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.