A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
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Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here