5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
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Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Don’t we all.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function