If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
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Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.