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I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener