Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
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I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
it be like that
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*