I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
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– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.