if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
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Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.