Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
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Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.