a god among men
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I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy