If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
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Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
*3.5 thank you very much.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.