If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
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[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.