If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
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Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Had to try this trend 😊
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food