If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
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“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.