“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
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Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
we’re gonna need another temp
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*