If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
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You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious