@UNTRESOR: If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
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@tylerschmall: "Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria." "What's Updog?" "[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
@weinerdog4life: When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
@jordan_stratton: Pretty sure California's water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I've lazily kicked under the fridge.
@TheMichaelRock: I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn't punch them in the head as soon as they got here.