@UNTRESOR: If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
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@TEXASVETERAN: I just swallowed my record player's needle and nothing's happened to me, nothing's happened to me, nothing's happened to me, nothing's happe
@MrFornicator: I've opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
@lazerdoov: Call your boring friend Simon, "Sighmon" he'll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
@elle91: Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.