If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
You Might Also Like
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Oceanography is all about current events
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*