If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
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i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Sharon I have some bad news
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.