If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
You Might Also Like
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
nice challenge
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?