@PanicRestroom: If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
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@joeyfullystated: Stranger man at the beach asked me, "Y'all got a boat?" I said we have three, but they're old Fisher-Price models. It took him a moment.
@EndhooS: Wife: He's just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused Psychiatrist: Is this true? Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
@GensPlace: I began writing full time 20 years ago. I've sold lots - my tv, my car, my jewellery...
@duumb: [kidnapper asking for ransom] pay by 6 pm or i start sending u his fingers [gf trying to unlock my phone] can u start with his right thumb