@GrumpyComments: If a villain really wanted to kill James Bond, he should just inject HIV into one of his attractive cohorts and then wait.
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@dafloydsta: [at the gym] PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have? ME: *leans in close* I'd prefer human
@seamussaid: dude told me he did a line with Emma Watson but I know he was lying - she's British, they call them "queues"
@Mikecanrant: Make sure that nobody ever invades your personal space by constantly hula hooping wherever you go.
@stephenjmolloy: Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle. Wife: How?! M: Just help me. W: Have you tried butter? M: It's delicious. Now will you help me?