everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
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Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.