The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
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I support this random dude and all his protests
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.