Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
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Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.