Not today.. 😂
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This chloroform smells expensiv…
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider