@SamGrittner: if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
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@seamussaid: I may toss the cat into my teen's room when he snoozes his alarm if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that's his own fault
@quintabrunson: Man on the street: girl ya cute. Can’t tell if you’re 14 or 17. Me: i can tell that either way you’re going to jail
@hipsterocracy: People shit on Columbus like they've never knocked on the wrong door and then murdered the people inside and lived there.