if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
You Might Also Like
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Where is your GOD now????
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.