if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
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Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
For those that worship cheese..
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?