To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
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we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”