If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
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Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom