If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
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[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
yeet
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
what does he know…