SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
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An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that