Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
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You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book