If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
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I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out