I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
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French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope