@lilgapeach30: If an officer asks "do you know why I pulled you over" "Because it's the only way to get girls to talk to you?" is a bad answer, apparently.
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@dafloydsta: Whenever I get a "Final Notice" letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
@djdarrellripley: When I die I don't want a big funeral. I'd just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life...
@platinum2000: How do you tell someone that they're not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
@BuckyIsotope: Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.