How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
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Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?