If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
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Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
#Caturday
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
(more comics:
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
happy mother’s day❤️
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow