When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
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oh you like road-trips? name every road then
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
This makes total sense…
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Guy who likes music
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
My dad teaching me to drive
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.