If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
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The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me