There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
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Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
fourth time’s the charm
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.