IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
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The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Welcome
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids