“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
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honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”