If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
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mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
incredible
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.