If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
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I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈