The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
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I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
TODAY
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.