Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
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I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
#Caturday
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.