The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
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I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Life is a suicide mission.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”